Slow Down

I've recently had a major revelation about myself, and I can thank Professor Smith, my therapist, my mother, and God for that. I never realized how much of my day I spend going, going, going. I never realized how my body is always in a rush and how eager it is to move so fast. This realization I had that I needed to slow down has already changed my life so much. 

On Thursday, I had a talk with my professor about my essay grade, as I was quite disappointed in the score I received. Granted, it was only a B, but I had already received a B+ on my other essay, and I really wanted to finish the class with an A. I was quite proud of how I prepared for the essay and the line of reasoning that I came to, so I wanted to ask him where I went wrong so I can improve. I cared much less about my grade and more about how I could have done better. During our conversation, he talked about some of my strengths and about some of my weaknesses. He told me that he can tell I am a capable student. Capable of doing well and of excelling in my desired professional career. He also said that I have a "get up and go get it" mindset, which is a great quality to have because I am willing to work hard to succeed. However, he countered those strengths by telling me that too much of anything can be harmful. He stated that my eagerness to succeed is actually hindering me, and that I need to find a middle ground between working hard and taking a back seat. He suggested that instead of focusing so hard on doing well, to just accept what is in front of me and focus on that. It's funny because my mother has actually been telling me the same thing. For as long as I can remember, I have always been focusing on the future. In middle school, I was focused on what classes to take in high school, in high school, I was focused on getting a high enough GPA to get into USC, and now that I am in college, I am focused on whether or not I will get my master's and what I need to do to get into medical school. In addition, I noticed that once I achieved these far-set goals that I have established for myself, I don't ever really take a moment to be proud of them. My accomplishments don't feel like accomplishments, but rather a relief. A relief that one box on my checklist is crossed off and that I can move on to the next. This mindset and drive are beneficial on one hand, but exhausting on the other. My mind is constantly thinking about what I have to do next, and it overwhelms me and stresses me out. There is a quote that I heard before that said that rushing is a concept that we made to think we are moving faster when, in reality, we are not. When we're rushing, we try to move as quickly as possible to get things done, but more often than not, we end up forgetting something or setting ourselves up for failure. For example, how many times have you been rushing in the morning to get somewhere on time, and realize when you get to your destination that you forgot something? How many times have you been rushing to drive somewhere on time and been met with every red light, or almost gotten into a crash? This illusion of rushing as effective has been discredited for quite some time now, but we can't seem to believe it. 

During the discussion with my professor, I cried a lot, lol. Not because I was hurt by his words, but because they were so true. I knew they came from a place of kindness, and honestly, I needed them. His words felt like a release, because they allowed that burden to be released from my shoulders. It's almost as if his words were the permission I needed to slow down. After that conversation, I realized how that need to move fast was actually the cause of most of my issues and anxiety. On my chemistry test, the exam where I knew the material extremely well, I did pretty badly. I received a 76 when I knew I could have done better than that. The reason for all the missed points on the exam was that I was moving too quickly. I either didn't read the question fully, or I didn't pay attention to the details in the question. The reason I got a B on my second essay is that I didn't choose the prompt I was more prepared for. Why? I didn't read the question fully and thought I had to talk about two things, one of which I didn't know much about,  instead of just one. Lastly, I realized how quickly I operate through everyday life as well. I write my notes insanely fast, I always ride my scooter on the fast speeds, I type insanely fast, I brush my teeth insanely fast, and I walk insanely fast. My entire existence is me just running through each day as fast as I can. It's evident in how I try to time-block my days with as little time as possible to encourage me to rush through everything so I have more time for the next days. This combination of moving fast and constantly looking to the future has drained me. However, now that I am aware of it, I have been controlling it. Controlling my thoughts, controlling the time I give myself, taking control of my mornings, etc. I am permitting myself to only focus on the now, and to take as much time as I need to do so. I think that conversation with my professor was what I needed to improve my mental health and the way I navigate the world.