A place for my thoughts

There are so many amazing things in this world, and so many things to be grateful for. I'm grateful for the things that I have, for those around me, and for all the privileges I have. The privilege to go to school across the country. The privilege to afford to be able to go to my dream school. The privilege to walk, to talk, to hear, to have no ailments or conditions. I have so much to be appreciative of and I am beyond grateful. I feel like because of the time I've been spending in therapy and with God, I am finally freeing myself from my mental confinement and prison. I used to spend so much time worrying about how people view me, whether I talk too much or not, how cute my outfits are, constantly needing others to validate my opinions, try to protect myself from being hurt, etc. All these coping mechanisms are normal and expected. The brain works overtime to protect you from being hurt, but sometimes your brain is unintentionally holding you back. This need to protect myself from being hurt or to cut people off before they have the chance to hurt me or "embarrass me" was really me locking my emotions and self into a metal box. A box where I am constantly aware of my emotions and only allowing them to be expressed when rationalized or justified. A box where I was so hell bent on not telling people my true feelings about people and how much I care about them because of the fear that the feelings wouldn't be returned. I went so far as to avoid acknowledging my feelings to MYSELF because I didn't want to be embarrassed by the possibility on unrequited affection or non-mutual feelings. However, through therapy and my lovely friendships, I've learned to become more comfortable with vulnerability. Ironically, the vulnerability I've expressed in my platonic relationships has given me the courage and the confidence to be vulnerable in romantic relationships as well. I've been so caught up on appearances and embarrassment, when truly none of that matters. Authenticity and vulnerability will always be good things. It's never a negative or bad thing to have love and appreciation for another human being. I'm so grateful for all the people that pour into me because now my overflow can pour into other people. I don't want to go tit for tat or worry about getting my lick back. I don't want to try to control everything and be on top of everything. I don't want to be robotic or on automation, I want to live. I want to express my feelings even with the possibility of them not being returned. I want to be my talkative and inquisitive self to everyone I meet. I want to wear outfits that I like and think are cute even if they may be questionable to others. I want to be vulnerable and I want to love and hope and dream. I want to feel things even if there's no guarantee that my expectations will be met. I want to feel without expectations of outcomes. I want to feel because it is the respectable thing to do. Feeling, both acknowledging and expressing, are acts of self love. Love is free so don't be possessive. I have so much love that I want to spread to everyone. I want to keep being me and showing how much I care and being myself. Ever since I've just been doing my own thing without worrying about the external, I've attracted so many people who actually align with me. People are complimenting me and telling me how much they value my personality and authenticity, yet in the past I was trying to mold myself into someone who would align with those currently around me. In doing so, I forgot how many more people would enter my life afterward. I just came here to say that vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Being yourself even with the possibility of being judged is a beautiful thing. Giving people their flowers and showing your appreciation and gratitude is a beautiful and important thing. We never know when its our time so give love and show it while we're here. While others are still here. This doesn't mean to avoid social cues and just do things willy nilly. Intentionality is just as important and accepting things for what they are is a integral part of life. Don't let desire impede your ability to see what is shown to you. Everything that you want that God didn't give is a sign that it's not time yet. Your turn will come. Your desire will come. You just have to wait and be ready to accept it when God gives it to you.

I think a lot and a lot and a lot. I used to hate it, and sometimes I still do, but I'm starting to realize how much of a superpower and blessing it is to have an analytical brain. It allows me to see things from different perspectives, think of various possibilities, and continuously have new ideas. I used to view this analytical way of thinking as a detriment, but that's only because I use this thinking in the wrong ways. I need to focus my thinking on what is fruitful and beneficial. I've been focusing my thinking on why and how people feel about me. What I can change about myself to appeal to others and to be more liked, not realizing that I need to change the focus of my thinking rather than the thinking itself. I don't need to appeal to everyone. I don't need to be liked by everyone, and I especially don't need to be liked by people who may not even like themselves. That isn't meant as an insult, but rather an observation because I don't always like myself either. However, I notice that the moments when my self-love dwindles are when I view myself from the perspective of others. I don't need to become a mold that adapts to the likes of every person I encounter. I don't like everyone, so how can I expect everyone to like me? I think it really isn't the desire to be liked by everyone, but feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who don't like me. The number increase makes me feel like there's a significant flaw in my character or my personality, and there might be, but I need to focus on the perspective from which I am looking for flaws. I also need to consider my intentions for improvement. I am trying to improve to gain approval, rather than to actually become a better person, and that's the problem. I begin to internalize the criticisms and opinions of people whose opinions I don't even value. I have to remind myself that I cannot take the opinions from people whom I don't value and who dislike me. If it is a common trait that multiple people dislike, then yes, consider growing in that area. However, you also have to consider projection and just incompatibility as reasons for these criticisms. It is important to take criticisms from individuals, but it is also important to evaluate their intentions and the character of the person these criticisms are coming from. Intentions are so important. Don't forget that! Negative thoughts will never lead to a positive life. Prioritize your thinking on thoughts that benefit and uplift you!

I've recently had a major revelation about myself, and I can thank Professor Smith, my therapist, my mother, and God for that. I never realized how much of my day I spend going, going, going. I never realized how my body is always in a rush and how eager it is to move so fast. This realization I had that I needed to slow down has already changed my life so much. 

I’ve never been in love, and quite frankly, I haven’t been close to falling in love either. It’s hard for me to know when I like someone, and I had crushes growing up, but I was a child then. I didn’t know what liking someone meant. If I liked their laugh and hair, that was enough for me. However, now that I’m older, I’m starting to ask myself what it really means when I like someone. Do I like their character? Does it mean I want to be with them? The problem is that sometimes I say yes to the first question, but not the second, and sometimes I like who they are as a person, but not who they are to me. It’s semantics and complicated. I once asked a therapist how I know when I like someone, and they thought I was joking. They told me you’ll know, but so far I haven’t. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me. Why don’t I like people? Why don’t I know when I like someone? Why have I only liked people superficially? It wasn’t until I learned a little more about myself. I can’t do the surface level. I don’t just like someone because they show interest in me, or because I liked our conversation once. It takes more for me. It’s a lengthier process, which is unfortunate for someone impatient like me. However, I did discover the commonalities among the people I have been somewhat interested in. I like people who aren’t afraid to do their own thing, people comfortable in their own skin even if it’s different from those around them. People have an attractive energy, an energy people gravitate towards and want to be around. People who light up a room and welcome people into it. People who are funny and make me laugh, and who I laugh with. People who have their own hobbies and things they’re interested in, not someone who just follows what everyone else is doing. Someone who knows what they want and goes after it. Someone with desire and initiative. It’s weird that I’ve thought about 2 people while writing this, but not the person I thought I’d be thinking of. Like I said above, for the longest time I thought something was wrong with me. I thought, and sometimes still do, feel like I am too much: too loud, too talkative, too much work, too much, too annoying. I didn’t think I could be myself comfortably, because I always thought my being and personality were disruptive and agitating. As a result, I minimized myself significantly, and I think the pandemic had a lot to do with it. I became a shell of myself, uncomfortable with being my former loquacious self. I had projected my own thoughts about myself onto others and succumbed to the shell I forced onto myself. I started following the rules I set for myself. You never really realize how much of an effect your past has on you until you journal your thought process about a situation. I still haven’t gotten over the hurt from my dad, despite how hard I’m working towards it. It still hurts me, even though I don’t want it to. I’ve told him how I’ve felt; I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve talked to a therapist, and yet it still has a hold on me. I don’t think I’ve been able to shake him being okay with not being here. Not being present, even though I’ve told him repeatedly how it’s affected me. My brain has internalized that abandonment as something is wrong with me, even though people have told me relentlessly that’s not true. My life is a testament that that isn’t true, and yet my brain still won’t believe it. I must convince myself to believe what is true. That I am valuable and amazing. That I am lovable and deserving of love. That I AM loved and will be loved romantically. That I don’t have to change anything about myself to get that love. That I DON’T have to EARN love. I will be loved simply because of who I am. That I will be loved for all of me. The passionate parts, the outspoken, opinionated parts, the emotional, dramatic parts. every. single. part. There are already people who love all those parts; it's just me that needs to catch on. I need to treat myself like the princess I am. Not when my skin is clearer. Not when my hair is longer, or my weight reaches a certain number, but ALWAYS. NOW. FOREVER. Love is not a reward for a certain position in life. It’s unconditional and needs to be with myself as well. I’m so scared of not falling in love or getting that fairytale story, but the only one holding me back is me, because I don’t deem myself worthy. I think I have to force things and initiate things because others won't want to with me, when evidence demonstrates otherwise. I want to rush and force things because I’m scared I’ve missed my mark. That this opportunity won’t come ever again, that this is the best it will get. I’m scared it will pass me, and so I need to latch on to what is presented to me now, but that’s not true.

Growing up, I always felt like a lot. I talked a lot, and people, especially my family, had no issue letting me know that. Since a child, I've always been creative and have enjoyed various things. I loved making things, and even went as far as to make a craft YouTube channel lol. Zairahdiy and zandmslimes are out there somewhere. When I got older, it was no longer a cute personality trait, but rather annoying (me talking a lot, that is). Occasionally as a child, my family would tell me to sit down and stop talking, but eventually it started to have an impact. Same with friendships and other relationships; I started to feel like a lot, and so I minimized myself to be less. I felt like I was too much for people to enjoy being around, and I started viewing myself as annoying too. I began to make myself feel small, because I thought that would make other people want to be around me more. If I was less myself, I thought more people would like me, because it would take a lot for people to like all of me. During and after the pandemic, it only got worse. I went from being such an outgoing, talkative kid to someone who was shy and didn't like being in rooms she didn't know anyone. I became very depressed, even more than usual, and had so much self-doubt and insecurity. I never felt good enough, in school or in life, and I always felt like I could be doing better. Years later, now that I am in therapy and doing the active work, I am reflecting so much on my childhood and who younger Zairah was. Not to toot my own horn, but I was really a spectacular child with spectacular interests. I was so creative, vibrant, and outgoing, and had so much I wanted to do. Every summer, I dedicate my time towards becoming a better version of myself, and the summer after freshman year of college I decided to work back towards authenticity. I wanted to revert, not completely, lol, to who I was as a child. I wanted to reintroduce hobbies and interests, become my talkative, outgoing self again, and just go back to being me. The real me. I'm not exactly sure the physical steps that I took, but it worked. I stopped shushing myself and minimizing myself to make others comfortable, and started focusing on whether or not I was comfortable. I knew it worked because I developed closer bonds with my friends. I had more and more of them tell me I'm funny, and I was invited to more things. I formed newer friendships as well, and the initial conversations I had with people were so nice. The best part was I felt like myself again. I felt comfortable and relaxed and not like a fake carbon copy of myself. Now I'm nowhere near where I fully want to be, but I am damn proud of my progress. Despite all the growth and improvement, life wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sophomore fall quickly began one of the most depressing seasons of my life since 10th grade of high school - it's something about sophomore year, smh. I felt so isolated, alone, overwhelmed, stressed, and I had my first-ever panic attack. I was crying all the time, and genuinely it felt like too much was on me. I finally took the initiative to see a psychiatrist, and it really changed the game for me. I want to be more involved in mental health projects because if I wasn't able to get the help I need, idk if I'd still be here. I had such negative feelings towards medication, and held all the stigmatized views you can think of. However, I couldn't be more grateful for the medication now. I think since being on the medication, I've become more emotional, which sounds backwards. However, I really think this medication has just given me the outlet to feel the emotions I had been suppressing for so long. I am so dramatically grateful and emotional about everything. After I watch a romantic TV show, I'm crying in the bathroom about how beautiful love is. Whenever I am sad and want to cry, I have no choice but to let it out, because my body won't let me hold it in, and trust me, I've tried. It honestly feels like such a nice release, because I haven't cried this many happy tears in a while. I haven't cried this much in general. Before, I'd wait until I was at my breaking point to finally cry, because I felt like I had to be composed. I felt like I needed to have everything together and that it's weak to cry. Growing up, I often wasn't able to cry freely because my reasons weren't deemed valid, and I think that is something I carried with me into adulthood. I also hate asking for help or telling those close to me what I'm going through, because people see me as having it all together and that things work out well for me. Because of these assumptions, I felt like I had something to prove, and these expectations combined with my own were burdensome. I felt such immense pressure and exhaustion, all while feeling alone, which was no one's fault but my own. Going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, and going to bible study were all outlets and spaces that have allowed me to be free from my own self-inflicted emotional prison. I allow myself to feel, and MAN, do I feel a lot. I feel things so intensely and passionately. I care so deeply about life itself, about my life, about people, and about my future. I feel like I live in constant nostalgia, and I feel like a movie character in a very dramatic movie, lol. I just finished "Every Year After," and it genuinely gutted me in the best way possible. I cried so much during that show, and I watched intensely for the first time in a while. That show really touched me and made me feel a plethora of emotions. Each character had something relatable to them or made me realize what I want from those around me. They made me think about the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I want to love. The show made me reflect on what I deserve and crave in romantic relationships. After it, I came upstairs, turned on Ruth B, and dramatically sang to her lyrics while cleaning my whole room. I started thinking about moments with friends nostalgically, and looking at drawings and thinking about my childhood drawing days. I think the medication has honestly given me the room to just allow myself to feel again, and yeah, maybe it's a lot or too much, but that's me. I AM a lot, and I am proud of that. I wouldn't want to be anything less than ME. Passionate, talkative, curious me. I don't want to feel less, or talk less, or be less. I want to be to the fullest. I want to laugh until my stomach hurts when I'm happy. I want to bawl my eyes out when I'm sad. I want to feel every emotion to the fullest. It's what makes me me. It's what makes me human. One day I may not be able to feel like I do now. Remember the memories like I do now, or even cry over minuscule things like romance movies. I want to soak up all the stupid things and make the most of it. I want to drive 2 hours to another city with friends and complain before I do it. I want to have sleepovers and continue talking about high school drama like it was yesterday. I want to talk about dumb things like whether I'm going to change my last name to my husband's or not. I want to continue those pointless, meaningless conversations. I want to continue enjoying the stupid, uneventful things. That's what matters to me. All the seriousness is important, sure, but it's the little things that really remind you what we're here for. We're here to LIVE. To cry. To laugh. To send embarrassing texts. To have unrequited crushes. To make dumb decisions our parents scold us for. To get mad over dumb test grades and get a sweet treat after. To be bored. To explore. To smile. To FEEL. All of it. As dumb, as primitive as it is, this is what matters most. To be the older version of our childhood selves. To prove to her that we still love her, and feel her, and care for her. To keep those promises to her. To let her come out now and then. I don't ever want to minimize myself again, not for anyone. I don't want to make little Zairah feel like she's not enough anymore. That she's too much. I want to cherish her and embrace her every day. I want her to know she is valued - by me. That I love her, and I won't forsake her again. That I won't lock her away because I'm scared of how others might view her. That I view her as perfect and that's all that matters. That she is enough and great and kind and beautiful, and never has to change. That's what life is about, and that's my mission to uphold it. 

Today we read 1 John Chapter 2. I missed the discussion because I was late and didn't get to read it with the whole group, but it was essentially about abide in the Lord and holding his commandments. It says not to succumb to the pleasures of this world, but to walk like God and to hold him in your heart. Furthermore, it said to love thy brother and that whoever does not love thy brother does not know the Father and so much more. I really enjoyed this chapter because I feel like we're always looking for new solutions and new techniques etc, and that's for so many things in life, we're always looking for a new method not realizing that sometimes all we need is right in front of us. The same is with the Lord. The answers to all our problems is in the beautiful big book we call the Bible. The old commandments are still in place and prominent and sometimes we just need to be reminded of what we've already been taught or know. Some of the points that stood out to me the most were about kindness. We will be remembered for how we love one another and how we show up for others, and I really want to tap into that kindness more. Showing up more, supporting more, and just having people see God when they see me. I want to be forgiving, compassionate, and understanding like God even when I don't want to or even when it seems like it may not make sense to. I want to be this way because this behavior may be exactly what leads someone to Christ. I want to be this way because this is how God is with me, and I am a sinner who is no better than the next person. This obviously goes to an extent and boundaries must still go into place, but overall I want to be more like God. I want people to see that God is in me when they see me. I want my behaviors, my words, and my actions to reflect my love for God. That's still a working progress, but it is a goal. After that point, we discussed knowing when to give and show up and do things out of kindness, but also knowing when not to do things so you're not being taken advantage of. I struggle with this and have this dilemma so often because I want to show up for people and do nice things for them, but they're often things I truly don't want to do, but at the same time I don't want to be selfish. One thing that stood out that was said was how anything we're rushed to do, we're not supposed to, but also to remember what our priorities are. Sometimes we feel the need to do things out of compulsion or reluctance, but that's not what God wants us to do. (2 Corinthians 9:7) We have to ask ourselves who are we serving. Are we serving the Lord or are we thinking that we're serving the Lord but trying to serve others and please them? It is important that we work out of OVERFLOW and that nothing we do is draining or exhausting us. Anything that is draining or depleting you, is not for you. Remember it is a privilege for people to see God through you, but do not forget that they are also His child. He can get to them if he wants to, you're savior complex of thinking that yyou not doing this one thing is the reason why they're not connected to Christ is FALSE. There must be part influence and part desire to want to have that relationship. Patient love is important. Patient love doesn't require you to run around trying to serve people. 

2025 is officially over. It was a long, yet insightful, year. I learned a LOT about myself as a person, like how I exist in this world, why I exist the way that I do, what kind of people I gravitate towards, etc. This year was one of the most insightful years yet, and ironically, I didn't go into the year hoping for a big transformation. In fact, I had little to no expectations about 2025. I want to go into 2026 the same year. In my family, we never make a big deal about the New Year, and we still don't. I do participate in some superstitious activities like not entering the New Year with a dirty house/room and not washing your clothes on New Year's Day, but I try not to make a big fuss about changing into a new person just because the date changes. I simply view my goals and objectives as things I want to accomplish in the upcoming months. I'd like to thank TikTok and my support system for some of the mindset shifts I had this year. I'd like to thank journaling for all the epiphanies I had this year. I'd like to thank my therapist for reminding me that I deserve to be treated the same way that I treat others: with respect, love, and patience. I'm still learning more about myself each day, but I can't wait to see the growth that develops in the coming weeks. <3