A place for my thoughts

There are so many amazing things in this world, and so many things to be grateful for. I'm grateful for the things that I have, for those around me, and for all the privileges I have. The privilege to go to school across the country. The privilege to afford to be able to go to my dream school. The privilege to walk, to talk, to hear, to have no ailments or conditions. I have so much to be appreciative of and I am beyond grateful. I feel like because of the time I've been spending in therapy and with God, I am finally freeing myself from my mental confinement and prison. I used to spend so much time worrying about how people view me, whether I talk too much or not, how cute my outfits are, constantly needing others to validate my opinions, try to protect myself from being hurt, etc. All these coping mechanisms are normal and expected. The brain works overtime to protect you from being hurt, but sometimes your brain is unintentionally holding you back. This need to protect myself from being hurt or to cut people off before they have the chance to hurt me or "embarrass me" was really me locking my emotions and self into a metal box. A box where I am constantly aware of my emotions and only allowing them to be expressed when rationalized or justified. A box where I was so hell bent on not telling people my true feelings about people and how much I care about them because of the fear that the feelings wouldn't be returned. I went so far as to avoid acknowledging my feelings to MYSELF because I didn't want to be embarrassed by the possibility on unrequited affection or non-mutual feelings. However, through therapy and my lovely friendships, I've learned to become more comfortable with vulnerability. Ironically, the vulnerability I've expressed in my platonic relationships has given me the courage and the confidence to be vulnerable in romantic relationships as well. I've been so caught up on appearances and embarrassment, when truly none of that matters. Authenticity and vulnerability will always be good things. It's never a negative or bad thing to have love and appreciation for another human being. I'm so grateful for all the people that pour into me because now my overflow can pour into other people. I don't want to go tit for tat or worry about getting my lick back. I don't want to try to control everything and be on top of everything. I don't want to be robotic or on automation, I want to live. I want to express my feelings even with the possibility of them not being returned. I want to be my talkative and inquisitive self to everyone I meet. I want to wear outfits that I like and think are cute even if they may be questionable to others. I want to be vulnerable and I want to love and hope and dream. I want to feel things even if there's no guarantee that my expectations will be met. I want to feel without expectations of outcomes. I want to feel because it is the respectable thing to do. Feeling, both acknowledging and expressing, are acts of self love. Love is free so don't be possessive. I have so much love that I want to spread to everyone. I want to keep being me and showing how much I care and being myself. Ever since I've just been doing my own thing without worrying about the external, I've attracted so many people who actually align with me. People are complimenting me and telling me how much they value my personality and authenticity, yet in the past I was trying to mold myself into someone who would align with those currently around me. In doing so, I forgot how many more people would enter my life afterward. I just came here to say that vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Being yourself even with the possibility of being judged is a beautiful thing. Giving people their flowers and showing your appreciation and gratitude is a beautiful and important thing. We never know when its our time so give love and show it while we're here. While others are still here. This doesn't mean to avoid social cues and just do things willy nilly. Intentionality is just as important and accepting things for what they are is a integral part of life. Don't let desire impede your ability to see what is shown to you. Everything that you want that God didn't give is a sign that it's not time yet. Your turn will come. Your desire will come. You just have to wait and be ready to accept it when God gives it to you.

I think a lot and a lot and a lot. I used to hate it, and sometimes I still do, but I'm starting to realize how much of a superpower and blessing it is to have an analytical brain. It allows me to see things from different perspectives, think of various possibilities, and continuously have new ideas. I used to view this analytical way of thinking as a detriment, but that's only because I use this thinking in the wrong ways. I need to focus my thinking on what is fruitful and beneficial. I've been focusing my thinking on why and how people feel about me. What I can change about myself to appeal to others and to be more liked, not realizing that I need to change the focus of my thinking rather than the thinking itself. I don't need to appeal to everyone. I don't need to be liked by everyone, and I especially don't need to be liked by people who may not even like themselves. That isn't meant as an insult, but rather an observation because I don't always like myself either. However, I notice that the moments when my self-love dwindles are when I view myself from the perspective of others. I don't need to become a mold that adapts to the likes of every person I encounter. I don't like everyone, so how can I expect everyone to like me? I think it really isn't the desire to be liked by everyone, but feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who don't like me. The number increase makes me feel like there's a significant flaw in my character or my personality, and there might be, but I need to focus on the perspective from which I am looking for flaws. I also need to consider my intentions for improvement. I am trying to improve to gain approval, rather than to actually become a better person, and that's the problem. I begin to internalize the criticisms and opinions of people whose opinions I don't even value. I have to remind myself that I cannot take the opinions from people whom I don't value and who dislike me. If it is a common trait that multiple people dislike, then yes, consider growing in that area. However, you also have to consider projection and just incompatibility as reasons for these criticisms. It is important to take criticisms from individuals, but it is also important to evaluate their intentions and the character of the person these criticisms are coming from. Intentions are so important. Don't forget that! Negative thoughts will never lead to a positive life. Prioritize your thinking on thoughts that benefit and uplift you!

I've recently had a major revelation about myself, and I can thank Professor Smith, my therapist, my mother, and God for that. I never realized how much of my day I spend going, going, going. I never realized how my body is always in a rush and how eager it is to move so fast. This realization I had that I needed to slow down has already changed my life so much. 

Today we read 1 John Chapter 2. I missed the discussion because I was late and didn't get to read it with the whole group, but it was essentially about abide in the Lord and holding his commandments. It says not to succumb to the pleasures of this world, but to walk like God and to hold him in your heart. Furthermore, it said to love thy brother and that whoever does not love thy brother does not know the Father and so much more. I really enjoyed this chapter because I feel like we're always looking for new solutions and new techniques etc, and that's for so many things in life, we're always looking for a new method not realizing that sometimes all we need is right in front of us. The same is with the Lord. The answers to all our problems is in the beautiful big book we call the Bible. The old commandments are still in place and prominent and sometimes we just need to be reminded of what we've already been taught or know. Some of the points that stood out to me the most were about kindness. We will be remembered for how we love one another and how we show up for others, and I really want to tap into that kindness more. Showing up more, supporting more, and just having people see God when they see me. I want to be forgiving, compassionate, and understanding like God even when I don't want to or even when it seems like it may not make sense to. I want to be this way because this behavior may be exactly what leads someone to Christ. I want to be this way because this is how God is with me, and I am a sinner who is no better than the next person. This obviously goes to an extent and boundaries must still go into place, but overall I want to be more like God. I want people to see that God is in me when they see me. I want my behaviors, my words, and my actions to reflect my love for God. That's still a working progress, but it is a goal. After that point, we discussed knowing when to give and show up and do things out of kindness, but also knowing when not to do things so you're not being taken advantage of. I struggle with this and have this dilemma so often because I want to show up for people and do nice things for them, but they're often things I truly don't want to do, but at the same time I don't want to be selfish. One thing that stood out that was said was how anything we're rushed to do, we're not supposed to, but also to remember what our priorities are. Sometimes we feel the need to do things out of compulsion or reluctance, but that's not what God wants us to do. (2 Corinthians 9:7) We have to ask ourselves who are we serving. Are we serving the Lord or are we thinking that we're serving the Lord but trying to serve others and please them? It is important that we work out of OVERFLOW and that nothing we do is draining or exhausting us. Anything that is draining or depleting you, is not for you. Remember it is a privilege for people to see God through you, but do not forget that they are also His child. He can get to them if he wants to, you're savior complex of thinking that yyou not doing this one thing is the reason why they're not connected to Christ is FALSE. There must be part influence and part desire to want to have that relationship. Patient love is important. Patient love doesn't require you to run around trying to serve people. 

2025 is officially over. It was a long, yet insightful, year. I learned a LOT about myself as a person, like how I exist in this world, why I exist the way that I do, what kind of people I gravitate towards, etc. This year was one of the most insightful years yet, and ironically, I didn't go into the year hoping for a big transformation. In fact, I had little to no expectations about 2025. I want to go into 2026 the same year. In my family, we never make a big deal about the New Year, and we still don't. I do participate in some superstitious activities like not entering the New Year with a dirty house/room and not washing your clothes on New Year's Day, but I try not to make a big fuss about changing into a new person just because the date changes. I simply view my goals and objectives as things I want to accomplish in the upcoming months. I'd like to thank TikTok and my support system for some of the mindset shifts I had this year. I'd like to thank journaling for all the epiphanies I had this year. I'd like to thank my therapist for reminding me that I deserve to be treated the same way that I treat others: with respect, love, and patience. I'm still learning more about myself each day, but I can't wait to see the growth that develops in the coming weeks. <3