There are so many amazing things in this world, and so many things to be grateful for. I'm grateful for the things that I have, for those around me, and for all the privileges I have. The privilege to go to school across the country. The privilege to afford to be able to go to my dream school. The privilege to walk, to talk, to hear, to have no ailments or conditions. I have so much to be appreciative of and I am beyond grateful. I feel like because of the time I've been spending in therapy and with God, I am finally freeing myself from my mental confinement and prison. I used to spend so much time worrying about how people view me, whether I talk too much or not, how cute my outfits are, constantly needing others to validate my opinions, try to protect myself from being hurt, etc. All these coping mechanisms are normal and expected. The brain works overtime to protect you from being hurt, but sometimes your brain is unintentionally holding you back. This need to protect myself from being hurt or to cut people off before they have the chance to hurt me or "embarrass me" was really me locking my emotions and self into a metal box. A box where I am constantly aware of my emotions and only allowing them to be expressed when rationalized or justified. A box where I was so hell bent on not telling people my true feelings about people and how much I care about them because of the fear that the feelings wouldn't be returned. I went so far as to avoid acknowledging my feelings to MYSELF because I didn't want to be embarrassed by the possibility on unrequited affection or non-mutual feelings. However, through therapy and my lovely friendships, I've learned to become more comfortable with vulnerability. Ironically, the vulnerability I've expressed in my platonic relationships has given me the courage and the confidence to be vulnerable in romantic relationships as well. I've been so caught up on appearances and embarrassment, when truly none of that matters. Authenticity and vulnerability will always be good things. It's never a negative or bad thing to have love and appreciation for another human being. I'm so grateful for all the people that pour into me because now my overflow can pour into other people. I don't want to go tit for tat or worry about getting my lick back. I don't want to try to control everything and be on top of everything. I don't want to be robotic or on automation, I want to live. I want to express my feelings even with the possibility of them not being returned. I want to be my talkative and inquisitive self to everyone I meet. I want to wear outfits that I like and think are cute even if they may be questionable to others. I want to be vulnerable and I want to love and hope and dream. I want to feel things even if there's no guarantee that my expectations will be met. I want to feel without expectations of outcomes. I want to feel because it is the respectable thing to do. Feeling, both acknowledging and expressing, are acts of self love. Love is free so don't be possessive. I have so much love that I want to spread to everyone. I want to keep being me and showing how much I care and being myself. Ever since I've just been doing my own thing without worrying about the external, I've attracted so many people who actually align with me. People are complimenting me and telling me how much they value my personality and authenticity, yet in the past I was trying to mold myself into someone who would align with those currently around me. In doing so, I forgot how many more people would enter my life afterward. I just came here to say that vulnerability is a beautiful thing. Being yourself even with the possibility of being judged is a beautiful thing. Giving people their flowers and showing your appreciation and gratitude is a beautiful and important thing. We never know when its our time so give love and show it while we're here. While others are still here. This doesn't mean to avoid social cues and just do things willy nilly. Intentionality is just as important and accepting things for what they are is a integral part of life. Don't let desire impede your ability to see what is shown to you. Everything that you want that God didn't give is a sign that it's not time yet. Your turn will come. Your desire will come. You just have to wait and be ready to accept it when God gives it to you.
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