hard to heart

I’ve never been in love, and quite frankly, I haven’t been close to falling in love either. It’s hard for me to know when I like someone, and I had crushes growing up, but I was a child then. I didn’t know what liking someone meant. If I liked their laugh and hair, that was enough for me. However, now that I’m older, I’m starting to ask myself what it really means when I like someone. Do I like their character? Does it mean I want to be with them? The problem is that sometimes I say yes to the first question, but not the second, and sometimes I like who they are as a person, but not who they are to me. It’s semantics and complicated. I once asked a therapist how I know when I like someone, and they thought I was joking. They told me you’ll know, but so far I haven’t. For the longest time, I thought something was wrong with me. Why don’t I like people? Why don’t I know when I like someone? Why have I only liked people superficially? It wasn’t until I learned a little more about myself. I can’t do the surface level. I don’t just like someone because they show interest in me, or because I liked our conversation once. It takes more for me. It’s a lengthier process, which is unfortunate for someone impatient like me. However, I did discover the commonalities among the people I have been somewhat interested in. I like people who aren’t afraid to do their own thing, people comfortable in their own skin even if it’s different from those around them. People have an attractive energy, an energy people gravitate towards and want to be around. People who light up a room and welcome people into it. People who are funny and make me laugh, and who I laugh with. People who have their own hobbies and things they’re interested in, not someone who just follows what everyone else is doing. Someone who knows what they want and goes after it. Someone with desire and initiative. It’s weird that I’ve thought about 2 people while writing this, but not the person I thought I’d be thinking of. Like I said above, for the longest time I thought something was wrong with me. I thought, and sometimes still do, feel like I am too much: too loud, too talkative, too much work, too much, too annoying. I didn’t think I could be myself comfortably, because I always thought my being and personality were disruptive and agitating. As a result, I minimized myself significantly, and I think the pandemic had a lot to do with it. I became a shell of myself, uncomfortable with being my former loquacious self. I had projected my own thoughts about myself onto others and succumbed to the shell I forced onto myself. I started following the rules I set for myself. You never really realize how much of an effect your past has on you until you journal your thought process about a situation. I still haven’t gotten over the hurt from my dad, despite how hard I’m working towards it. It still hurts me, even though I don’t want it to. I’ve told him how I’ve felt; I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve talked to a therapist, and yet it still has a hold on me. I don’t think I’ve been able to shake him being okay with not being here. Not being present, even though I’ve told him repeatedly how it’s affected me. My brain has internalized that abandonment as something is wrong with me, even though people have told me relentlessly that’s not true. My life is a testament that that isn’t true, and yet my brain still won’t believe it. I must convince myself to believe what is true. That I am valuable and amazing. That I am lovable and deserving of love. That I AM loved and will be loved romantically. That I don’t have to change anything about myself to get that love. That I DON’T have to EARN love. I will be loved simply because of who I am. That I will be loved for all of me. The passionate parts, the outspoken, opinionated parts, the emotional, dramatic parts. every. single. part. There are already people who love all those parts; it's just me that needs to catch on. I need to treat myself like the princess I am. Not when my skin is clearer. Not when my hair is longer, or my weight reaches a certain number, but ALWAYS. NOW. FOREVER. Love is not a reward for a certain position in life. It’s unconditional and needs to be with myself as well. I’m so scared of not falling in love or getting that fairytale story, but the only one holding me back is me, because I don’t deem myself worthy. I think I have to force things and initiate things because others won't want to with me, when evidence demonstrates otherwise. I want to rush and force things because I’m scared I’ve missed my mark. That this opportunity won’t come ever again, that this is the best it will get. I’m scared it will pass me, and so I need to latch on to what is presented to me now, but that’s not true.

What is meant for me will never forsake me, and I don’t have to become a certain version of myself for that love to come. All I have to do is believe I deserve it and act like it. I need to love myself unconditionally before I expect someone else to. I have to be myself, unapologetically, and accept myself for doing so. I have to accept myself at all stages, not only when I believe I am at my peak. I need to be my own best friend and cheerleader like I am for everyone else. I need to stop downing myself. I need to stop viewing my value as a variable controlled by others. My value is inherent and fixed. It cannot be changed or lowered. I am always valuable. If someone doesn’t see my value, then they are the wrong observer. I want a love like a fairytale. I want young puppy love. An unconditional love. Someone who loves my opinions and magnifies them. Someone who encourages me to lift my voice and who supports me to speak my mind. Someone who appreciates and matches my yap. Who contributes to the conversations and listens and cares for what I say. Someone attentive, considerate, and interested. Someone who values me. Someone who learns me and knows me. Someone who knows my interests. Someone supportive of my antics. Someone who matches my weird and allows and accepts me for me. But before that happens, I need to be that someone. Someone who supports me. I need to be someone who allows me to be weird. Who validates and supports my opinions and encourages me to voice them. Someone who is my biggest fan and supporter. Someone who acknowledges my talents and accomplishments and celebrates them. Someone who speaks life into me. Someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who allows me to yap and doesn’t speak negatively about my personality. Someone who just lets me be me. That is who I want to be. Someone who sees all the good, rather than just focusing on what could be improved. Someone who lets me be emotional and allows me to feel. Someone who is accepting and open-minded, rather than judgmental and critical. I am not weak. I am not broken. I am strong. I am a winner. I have a bright future. I am capable. I am great. I need to remind myself of this. I am golden. There are so many people rooting for you, who care for you, who love you, and believe in your success. Make sure you’re one of them. You don’t need to be or become anyone other than you. You are all you need. Everything is already within you. You don’t need to change. You need to go back to who you once were. I love you. You are who you need to be. You don’t need to change. You are who you are, which is someone who is beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, talented, loving, and innovative. Someone opinionated, passionate, courageous, reflective, creative, and outgoing. You don’t need to please or be anyone other than you. God made you you for a reason. You don't need to become someone else to make someone love you. You don’t need to become someone to make someone stay. The people who love you are already here or already on the way. You don’t need to change. I love you the way that you are. I love you as yourself. Your true self. You are so amazing, and I just want you to see it. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that. I need YOU to believe how amazing you are. You are so skilled and talented and so capable. I want you to see these qualities in yourself too. I want you to remind yourself frequently. I want you to remind yourself you are DESERVING. You DESERVE everything you desire. You WILL RECEIVE all that you desire. You don’t have to EARN love. You deserve and attract love because you are love. You are everything you need to be and more. YOU need to remember that. I love you so much, and I want you to love yourself too. At all moments. I love you with acne, I love you with shrunken hair, ashy ankles, messed up edges, an unmatched outfit. I love you regardless of the external. Nothing external could EVER determine your internal. No rejection or unrequited feelings can ever change or reduce your INHERENT value. You are everything God designed you to be, and he makes no mistakes. He made you this way for a reason. He designed you this way for a reason. Don’t ever dim your own light for people God never intended to be in your life. Love is easy, love is kind, love is faithful. Love comes from God, and God is within you, so love is within you. God loves you for who you are. He’s never left you. Your life is a TESTAMENT to how much God loves you, and let it be known that He makes no mistake. He has a plan for you, a plan that no one, not even you, can interrupt. He has a way for you. He will never take you down a path He could not guide you through. God has a plan for you. He is here for you. He is guiding you and building you. He will never leave you. He always does things with purpose. You are going through these things for a purpose. He LOVES you. Allow Him to. Maintain His presence in your life. Be kind to His child. He doesn’t forsake his children. Never has and never will. Don’t think He’ll start now. Cling to Him. Hold onto Him. He’s here for a reason. Trust and have faith in Him. You are okay. You are alright. You will be okay because God is here.